In this poorly-titled kids' movie, a girl discovers on her 12th birthday that she is a mermaid. This causes hunters to go after her, and when she looks to her crush for help, she realizes that his dad is the hunter.
The boy she likes has brittle-bone disease, and at one point, his arm breaks, which we get a skeletal shot of. It looks like the transition on a Microsoft PowerPoint. This, along with an unconvincing mermaid costume and an absurd
plot twist at the end, turns "Scales" from boring to unintentionally funny.
Available on DVD
Grade: D-
Capitalizing on the meta-revival slasher era of the late 90's, "Scary Movie" takes two hits, "Scream" and "I Know What You Did Last Summer", and puts a spin on them that will be a laugh riot for horror fans. A group of teenagers are stalked by a man in a Ghostface mask, who they hit with their car
the previous summer. As the bodies drop, they have to find out who is behind the mask.
The characters are mostly embodiments of common movie tropes, but they serve as commentary, and their variety creates impeccable comedic timing. There is a character who is clearly gay but in denial, a stoner unfazed by the rampage, a horny boyfriend, and a sassy black stereotype. A fair amount of shock humor is used,
and while some of it hasn't aged well, such as when a trans woman's testicles can be seen under her dress, there is risk to shock humor, and the style would be honed by internet memes years later. "Scary Movie" may offend some audiences, but for its target demographic, it's a blast.
Available on VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: B+
What happened? The first "Scary Movie" was a sharp, fresh commentary on contemporary horror. This one parodies horror films that have already been parodied to death. "The Exorcist"? "Poltergeist"? Those movies are ancient!
The teens from the first film are invited to stay in a haunted house for inspection, where a variety of strange things happen. Unfortunately, the philosophy this installment has to comedy is, the more you push the R rating, the funnier the movie is.
There is so much gross-out humor that it's no longer shocking like it was before. Instead, it's just off-putting. And when it happens for the hundredth time, it becomes tiresome. "Scary Movie 2" apparently led Keenan Ivory Wayans to stop working on the series. Now that he's back for the sixth, let's hope for redemption.
Available on VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: D
When I was on vacation, I did what normal adults do and watched "Scooby-Doo" as my in-flight movie. But it has a cult following with people who grew up in the early 2000's, and upon watching it, it's easy to see why.
Scoob and the gang decide to split up after disputes in who solved the latest mystery. But they are mysteriously invited to a theme park, which is inhabited by demons that possess its visitors, imprisoning their life forces.
The gang needs to solve the mystery of who is behind all this before they all fall victim to the park.
One thing that surprised me about this movie is how it leans into adult interpretations of the classic cartoon. At one point, the camera makes it look like Scooby and Shaggy are smoking weed in the Mystery Machine, only to reveal that they
are just cooking. What I wasn't impressed by was the CGI effects for the demons, which are a product of 2002. I was also confused by the occasional fart jokes, because they clash with how the movie tries to appeal to adult fans. Still,
this is a very faithful adaptation, with each character translated to a tee. "Scooby-Doo" is a fun, if unpolished, shout-out to the nostalgic show.
Available on VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: B-
This English-speaking Spanish horror film has over-the-top deaths that only New World would be comfortable with distributing in the US. It follows a sewer manager, who is inspecting the mysterious, gruesome deaths of local citizens. He realizes that carnivorous slugs have escaped from the sewer system, biting their victims and infecting them with tiny, flesh-bursting parasites.
When the manager tries to warn the town council, they don't believe him, at their own peril.
What stands out about this movie is that it's batsh-t crazy. At one point, a gratuitous sex scene is abruptly cut to, where the couple is skinned alive as soon as they step off the bed, almost like the "floor is lava" game. There's a pleasant dinner at a fancy restaurant, which is interrupted by the unappetizing sight of worms gouging a victim's eyes. "Slugs" may have a borrowed story and flat acting,
but it's clearly just setup for the inventive gore effects. The movie is also unique for being an English-speaking production that exists outside of the Hollywood system, with its own set of conventions. It may not be palatable for everyone, but it's a blast for its target audience.
Available on VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: B
I'm beginning to see a trend with New World Pictures. Much like "The Stuff", "Soul Man" is a completely different movie from what was advertised. In 1986, there was backlash over this "outrageous" comedy about a privileged white student pretending to be black
to get a full ride to Harvard. But despite the prominent use of blackface, it was actually intended as an anti-racist film.
The basic premise is the same as in the trailer, but the delivery is completely different. The college student believes that racism is dead in the 80's, and relies on tanning pills for a brown complexion. But he falls for a struggling single mother who is actually black. This, along with being
arbitrarily sent to prison, as well as picked on by other students, leads him to realize that racism in fact does exist.
James Earl Jones plays a strict professor, and the future actress of Jan from "The Office" plays a student who is only interested in our protagonist because she believes he is well-endowed. Unfortunately, many of the jokes feel forced, relying on fantasy sequences that play on common preconceived notions of African Americans.
The absurdity of the film's premise is shocking at first, but there isn't enough energy to sustain that premise, with each plot point just reinforcing the same message. "Soul Man" is not as bad as critics say, but it feels like a missed opportunity.
Available on VHS, LaserDisc, and DVD
Grade: C
The premise of "Source Code" is fascinating. In it, a soldier who unknowingly died in combat is held captive as a computer program. This is done by extracting the eight minutes of brain activity after his death, in what is known as the Source Code. Through simulating a mission to diffuse a bomb on a train, the organization keeping him hostage hopes to stop a real bomb-equipped train heading for Chicago.
The ethical question is explored of where life stops and death begins, and whether those in the real world should take precedence over those trapped in the Source Code. Over and over, the protagonist experiences the race against time to diffuse the bomb and find the perpretator, almost like emotional torture. By nature, the movie is repetitive, and the ending feels drawn-out and Hollywood-ized. But it kept me watching for its puzzle-like instinct and tense acting.
Available on DVD and Blu-Ray
Grade: B
I'm a huge fan of "South Park", but I think I prefer it in TV form. While a feature film release allows for uncensored swearing, which the movie takes advantage of, it can be risky to adapt a 22-minute formula into 81 minutes. Structurally, this feels like an episode of the show that is extended by common techniques.
The premise is fantastic. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sneak into an R-rated Canadian movie, which causes them to start swearing in real life. Their parents see Canada as a threat to South Park's morality, going to war with them. This story especially resonates with me, as someone with parents who strictly followed the MPAA when determining
what I could watch.
Unfortunately, the runtime is stretched using musical numbers that, while funny, pause the narrative. There is also a relationship between Satan and Saddam Hussein. Again, funny by itself, but with little bearing on the war with Canada. Still, the message is effectively conveyed that there is a cultural hypocrisy in censorship, as all this
bloodshed is over a few bad words. "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut" is overrated, I'm afraid. But it would have been a great TV episode.
Available on VHS, LaserDisc, DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD
Grade: B-
This adaptation of the Image Comics series follows Al Simmons, who is double-crossed by Jason Wynn when he is sent on a mission to infiltrate a North Korean biochemical plant, left to die in its explosion. After being sent to Hell, he makes a deal with the devil to come back in exchange for leading his army. A demon
known as the Violator takes a clown form, and follows the reincarnated Spawn, following the devil's directives to help kill Jason Wynn and release a biological weapon triggered by his death.
On paper, this movie sounds awesome. Unfortunately, New Line expected it be PG-13, and it's very much so. Every time a character is shot, the camera cuts away, and Simmons' death in the explosion clearly had footage cut out. Another expectation imposed upon the film is its runtime, which forces abrupt transitions and narration. The CGI effects
might have looked good in 1997, but by today's standards, it's difficult to believe they occupy the same space as the characters.
Still, I have to give credit to the makeup effects, as well as John Leguizamo's performance as the Violator. He really commits to the part, and at one point, he even eats a slice of pizza with waxworms on it. "Spawn" is frustrating, because there's clearly a good movie somewhere in it, but studio interference prevents it from reaching its full potential.
There is an R-rated director's cut on DVD, but because the studio was trying to secure a PG-13 from the beginning, it's only slightly more violent.
Available on VHS
Grade: C+
Before I get into the review, I just want to say that I'm referring to the unrated cut, not the theatrical version. When released to theaters, Disney had bought Hollywood Pictures, and trimmed the film to get a PG-13 rating.
So what if there's less gore, you say? An entire subplot was removed, causing the story to make zero sense. But fear not, because the director's cut is actually not bad.
It rests on the premise that there is a mysterious video game called "Stay Alive", and if you die in the game, you die for real. A group of teenagers find out that it's cursed by the Blood Countess, and reciting the opening cutscene summons her.
The Blood Countess was a woman from long ago who bathed in young girls' blood, believing it would make her look youthful. In the PG-13 version, the Blood Countess programmed the game, which is an absurd plot point clearly designed to avoid gore.
While the deaths are quite creative, some of them have unfinished CGI, because Disney wouldn't let the director finish the R-rated movie he intended to make. While the dialogue is sharp, it might confuse those who are not into video games. Still, "Stay Alive" has a unique concept, as well as
clever motifs, such as a game controller rumbling before a character dies. If you're a gamer and
have nostalgia for the 2000's, you'll appreciate this twist on the slasher genre.
Available on DVD
Grade: B-
"The Stuff" was marketed in 1985 as grotesque body-horror, but it's actually a satire of 80's consumer culture. It involves a detective investigating the company that produces The Stuff. This popular new grocery item is an alien substance that eats you
from the inside out, but tastes sweet, and is marketed as a dessert. A kid watches his family grow addicted to it, to the point that they eat nothing else, and he crosses paths with the detective, working to stop the threat invading the town.
The deaths are cartoonish rather than grotesque, and the writing is intentionally absurd. At first, I was disappointed that this wasn't much of a horror film. But gradually, I began to appreciate what it set out to do. It pokes fun at consumers being spoonfed
products they know nothing about, but continue to eat, capturing how contemporary society prioritizes short-term benefits. The practical effects are also quite good, even if they aren't scary like audiences expected. With mismatched advertising, "The Stuff" is
a product of media misrepresentation, which is oddly fitting.
Available on VHS, Betamax, DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD
Grade: B
The poster for this movie features Michael Keaton with a mullet being squished between the Twin Towers. It aged poorly on multiple levels, and prompted me to watch what is probably the worst of Keaton's filmography.
He plays a modern artist, building sculptures out of TV sets. When he receives a strange magnetic device from his ex-wife, mobsters chase him in hopes of rigging the lottery. He seeks the help of a private investigator, and they begin a rocky relationship.
Rae Dawn Chong from "Soul Man" plays the private investigator, and she and Keaton have zero chemistry, making the pacing drag. What makes matters worse is that the plot hits the ground running, leaving you with no natural introduction. "The Squeeze" is an action-heavy production, but when
it's difficult to stay invested, does that really matter?
Available on VHS, LaserDisc, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: D-